Have you ever wanted to reach a goal, a very HIGH goal, and you KNEW you could do it with diligence on your part, but you were too afraid of the results IF you achieved the goal?
Sounds rather convoluted, I know, but that sentence pretty much describes what I've been going through for the past 6 months, and much more intensely for the last week.
I normally keep this blog pretty light & even humorous, but today, I have a lot of rather deep things on my mind.
Goals, dreams, destinations...they are exciting & new. Some of them, we know exactly what to expect when we arrive. Some have promise, but no definite outline.
For instance, at the end of 4 years of high school, you graduate. A wonderful, exciting goal. Also, a scary, confusing time.
What comes next?
What do you want to be when you "grow up"?
A wonderful time of accomplishment can also be rife with fear & uncertainty.
On the other hand, planning a trip to Disney World, is a pretty sure bet of good things to come! No fears, no worries (except how to pay for it).
These are both lofty goals & great achievements, if reached, but the emotions involved can be very different.
I guess, I should stop beating around the bush & just come out & say what's on my heart....
God, Jesus, the Church....have all been in my heart & a huge part of my life for as long as I can remember. I have loved the Lord for as long as I can remember. I don't ever remember a time where I didn't WANT to have Him in my life.
However, a walk with God requires taking steps.
So, I've done the baby steps....I gave up the biggies that displeased Him. I quit murdering, drinking, carousing, smoking dope....hey, those were no problem. :)
I have reached a place where things that bothered me as a younger person, no longer even phase me. That's growth, too.
I feel that God has been asking more of me. He wants MORE of my heart, MORE of me. I have known this for a while now.
But, I'm scared.
Yeah, probably sounds crazy, but I'm being honest here.
Will He take care of me?
Will He catch me?
Will He make serving Him comfortable? (prolly not!)
Yesterday, we said goodbye to a wonderful friend. I don't believe in making saints out of people after they pass, but this man was truly good. He had many qualities in his life that I envy (whoops, one of the big 10....).
He never complained-even when in extreme pain.
He always made God his first choice, even when it would have been easier to stay home in bed.
He gave his all. Always.
He was selfless.
Um....I miiiiiigggght pull one or two of those out of the hat a couple of times a year, but not consistently by any means.
Sigh. And therein lies my problem.
See...I don't like to suffer. True story. I like ease. I like things my way.
Then I read about Job. Sigh again. I really don't think sackcloth and ashes are for me. Boils??? Noooope. Losing my stuff....well, I could deal with that. Losing my kids? There's the kicker. THAT'S what I'm afraid of (I may be just a teensie bit MORE afraid of getting them back doubly!!).
Seriously, I know that serving God is a very rewarding life. I also know that I cannot live in such a way that I benefit from the blessings, but never share in the burdens. I hate to cry. I have cried more in the last few years than in all the rest combined. God created us to be emotional beings, but I just don't enjoy hurt.
Here's the bare bones of my dilemma:
Go on farther with a mighty God, knowing that trials, sufferings & heartaches may (most likely will) be interspersed (liberally) throughout my blessings, but that
the quality of the blessings will outweigh the trials.
Sit right here on my white picket fence with one leg on each side leaning more to the side that feels most comfy for the moment.
I have never thought of myself as a "fence-sitter" Christian. And maybe I haven't always been. There have been moments of total devotion.
But somewhere along the road, as it has become more bumpy, the storms more fierce, the sorrows more painful, I found me a nice smooth section of fence & climbed right up there & made myself at home.
Deep in my soul, I know which side I will climb down on, but the jump from where I'm sitting to where I need to be is pretty steep & I'm afraid. Fear is NOT of the Lord.
This, I know.
However, from where I sit....it's pretty scary.
Will You catch me???
I hear a whisper in my soul......