A Leap of Faith....

 

Have you ever wanted to reach a goal, a very HIGH goal, and you KNEW you could do it with diligence on your part, but you were too afraid of the results IF you achieved the goal?

 

Sounds rather convoluted, I know, but that sentence pretty much describes what I've been going through for the past 6 months, and much more intensely for the last week.

 

 

I normally keep this blog pretty light & even humorous, but today, I have a lot of rather deep things on my mind. 

 

Goals, dreams, destinations...they are exciting & new.  Some of them, we know exactly what to expect when we arrive.  Some have promise, but no definite outline.

 

For instance, at the end of 4 years of high school, you graduate.  A wonderful, exciting goal.  Also, a scary, confusing time. 

 

What comes next? 

 

What do you want to be when you "grow up"?

 

A wonderful time of accomplishment can also be rife with fear & uncertainty.

 

 

On the other hand, planning a trip to Disney World, is a pretty sure bet of good things to come!  No fears, no worries (except how to pay for it). 

 

These are both lofty goals & great achievements, if reached, but the emotions involved can be very different.

 

I guess, I should stop beating around the bush & just come out & say what's on my heart....

 

 

God, Jesus, the Church....have all been in my heart & a huge part of my life for as long as I can remember.  I have loved the Lord for as long as I can remember.  I don't ever remember a time where I didn't WANT to have Him in my life. 

 

However, a walk with God requires taking steps.

 

So, I've done the baby steps....I gave up the biggies that displeased Him.  I quit murdering, drinking, carousing, smoking dope....hey, those were no problem. :)

 

I have reached a place where things that bothered me as a younger person, no longer even phase me.  That's growth, too.

 

I feel that God has been asking more of me.  He wants MORE of my heart, MORE of me.  I have known this for a while now.

 

 

But, I'm scared.

 

Yeah, probably sounds crazy, but I'm being honest here.

 

Will He take care of me?

 

Will He catch me?

 

Will He make serving Him comfortable? (prolly not!)

 

Yesterday, we said goodbye to a wonderful friend.  I don't believe in making saints out of people after they pass, but this man was truly good.  He had many qualities in his life that I envy (whoops, one of the big 10....).

 

He never complained-even when in extreme pain.

He always made God his first choice, even when it would have been easier to stay home in bed.

He gave his all. Always.

He was selfless.

 

Um....I miiiiiigggght pull one or two of those out of the hat a couple of times a year, but not consistently by any means.

 

Sigh.  And therein lies my problem.

 

 

See...I don't like to suffer.  True story.  I like ease.  I like things my way.

 

Then I read about Job.  Sigh again.  I really don't think sackcloth and ashes are for me.  Boils???  Noooope.  Losing my stuff....well, I could deal with that.  Losing my kids?  There's the kicker.  THAT'S what I'm afraid of (I may be just a teensie bit MORE afraid of getting them back doubly!!).

 

Seriously, I know that serving God is a very rewarding life.  I also know that I cannot live in such a way that I benefit from the blessings, but never share in the burdens.  I hate to cry.  I have cried more in the last few years than in all the rest combined.  God created us to be emotional beings, but I just don't enjoy hurt.

 

 

Here's the bare bones of my dilemma:

 

Go on farther with a mighty God, knowing that trials, sufferings & heartaches may (most likely will) be interspersed (liberally) throughout my blessings, but that

the quality of the blessings will outweigh the trials.

 

 

OR

 

 

Sit right here on my white picket fence with one leg on each side leaning more to the side that feels most comfy for the moment. 

 

I have never thought of myself as a "fence-sitter" Christian.  And maybe I haven't always been.  There have been moments of total devotion. 

 

But somewhere along the road, as it has become more bumpy, the storms more fierce, the sorrows more painful, I found me a nice smooth section of fence & climbed right up there & made myself at home.

 

Deep in my soul, I know which side I will climb down on, but the jump from where I'm sitting to where I need to be is pretty steep & I'm afraid.  Fear is NOT of the Lord. 

 

This, I know. 

 

However, from where I sit....it's pretty scary.

 

 

Will You catch me???

 

I hear a whisper in my soul......

 

 

 

 

 

 

"YES!"

Wonder-FULL Wednesday: Job - Epic Fail!

I know some of you may have wondered where I have been the last couple of weeks.  Well, I've been here.  At home.  Having the time of my life.  Not the best time of my life, mind you...but it has definitely been "A" time of my life.

About 3 months ago, hubby & I made the decision for him to take a new job.  Hallelujah!!!  After 10 years of being self-employed, someone else would worry about taxes & payroll.  We have insurance and a regular paycheck deposited right in our account.  It's amazing....amazingly horrible.

You know, I have always been a believer in being careful what you ask of God because He might just give it to you.  I think that was the case here. 

Don't get me wrong, there were lessons learned from this experience, but when hubby announced that he was putting in his resignation....cheers went up all over the house!!!

So, what was wrong with the job?

Let me put it this way: in the month of October, he was home 5 days total.  Yeah.  Awful!  We knew that there would be some travel with this position, but it was estimated at 2 or 3 nights at a time.  Hmmmmm....we won't go into some long tirade about streeeeeeetching the truth.  Suffice it to say...it was a tad more.  Like twice as much.  Every week.

Meanwhile, back on the home front....

I started out doing great!  We had a plan, a schedule...it was all good.  Then came October.

As his schedule got more & more crazy, so did I.  I found I couldn't even enjoy him being home because I was already panicking about him leaving again.

Physically, I felt ill.  Exhaustion was taking a firm hold in my life.  Complete.  Utter.  Exhaustion.

I finally reached a place where I began to feel anxious & trapped.  Parenting 8 children with a partner is tough stuff.  Doing it alone: impossible.

Yes, my kids are great, but they are still kids.  They have constant, unending needs.  My days were a constant mental challenge.  My brain hurt.  The younger ones had gotten out of control...badly.  In short, I had gone into survival mode.  The highlights of my day were naptime & bedtime.

This past Saturday night, when I found out he wouldn't be making it home in time for church...I just fell apart.  When he came home & saw my status....he saw it as the sign he'd been looking for to resign.

Oh, the great relief!!!  I cannot explain how I felt.  I'm not sure I have fully comprehended it.  My body is still out of whack from the stress & anxiety I had been feeling.

I in no way want to put my husband in a bad light.  This time was miserable for him too.  We had prayed, counseled & really tried to put God first in the decision to take this job.  Maybe it was the right thing to do so that we would see that it was the wrong thing for us.

So, we are back to self-employment & the phone is ringing like crazy!!!  New opportunities are steadily presenting themselves.

God is good.  Yes He is!

We have grown from this experience.  We have learned more about faith.  I have learned that I cannot parent alone.  Maybe I could have done some things differently, but I now have a new appreciation for my husband's strength of presence.  Just having him here gives me strength to do what I need to do to be a good mom.

Do you find yourself in an impossible situation?

Have you prayed about it?

Faithfully.

Every. Single. Minute. of Every. Single. Day?

Is He answering by asking you to give up something that gives you a sense of security?  Find your peace & security in Him....it's the only REAL peace & security you'll ever have.

My God is real.  I feel like I am recovering from a 3 month long illness.  Sometimes, I can feel the darkness creeping back in, but I have the strength to fight it because we are where we are supposed to be.

So, the moral of the story:

Make sure it's God's will & not your will.  If it's His will...YOU WILL MAKE IT!!!


Disclaimer:  I am not advocating that you make a sudden major decision because you are unhappy.  I am simply telling you my testimony...

This Day....

I recently heard something that made me stop & think.

REALLY think.

Ready?

Here it is.

There are ONLY two days you have to be concerned about.

THIS day.

and

THAT day.

I know....WOW!

As followers of Christ, we are told that fear, worry, concern...or whatever euphamism you use...is NOT of the Lord. Yet, we habitually put the fears & troubles of the days we live in firmly into our own little grubby hands & hold on to it like it is something precious.

Why?

The One who loves us more than any other has told us that we would never be forsaken...that He knows the number of hairs on our heads, so SURELY he knows about the trials of our days. He owns the cattle on a thousand hills, so SURELY he can fix the problems we face. If He could make the rocks cry out to worship Him, then he can do ANY thing.

I know in my case that the scripture, "I believe, help thou my unbelief" is my problem. I KNOW He can do all things....for other people. I believe that He has done mighty & wonderful works...for others.

Yes, He has done some things for us. You know, little stuff....in comparison to this biggie I'm facing now. Yes, those little things were good, but this...is...just......so....BIG! I don't think He'll follow through now.

Oh, I know He let Gideon beat all kinds of trained soldiers with just a few farmer-type men with their pots & pans or whatever. I know that He made the water part, the walls fall, the dead to rise, the blind to see, the leper to be clean...I KNOW all of that. And I believe it, too. But....well...that was in BIBLE times.

This is the 21st century.

There are just so many things that He could have changed, but didn't.

I have seen friends suffer with cancer...and DIE! That wasn't right!

I have seen young lives snuffed out senselessly. WHAT?!?

I have seen suffering in marriages-spouses just walking away. WHY?

I have seen people who were a blessing & a tool that He was using, turn their sights to the world in some of the worst ways imaginable. REALLY???

I KNOW God did amazing things in BIBLE times, but He just doesn't seem to fix whats wrong now. I must consider this small fact: every instance of pain & suffering during Bible times was not recorded. There were things that were NOT reversed.

And yet...they believed.

That woman with the issue had so much faith that her Lord would heal her, she didn't even talk to Him...just touched his clothing...His muddy, grimy, filthy hem! Did that faith come because she had only known miraculous things from her birth? I doubt it.

How do I get this kind of faith?

This sort of trust in the One who loves me more than I can fathom?

It is possible that it has something to do with only being concerned with the two days I mentioned above.

Living THIS day-only.

Not YESTERday.

Not TOmorrow.

Not last year.

Not next year.

THIS day.

No matter how we want to, we cannot change what happens on any other day by worrying about it today. We only have control over one day at a time. In fact...one minute at a time! I can say that I plan to go to church this afternoon...but it may not happen. Something out of my control may occur to make it impossible to attend. Would worrying about it now change anything? Of course not.

So, if we live only THIS day in preparation for THAT day, we cannot go wrong. THAT day is the day that our Lord returns for His people. THAT day should be the focus of all of our THIS days!

It is so easy to let the stresses of life drag us down. Have you ever said,

"Gah! Could this day get ANY WORSE???"

My guess is, yes, you have!

Have you ever said,

"Wow! Could this day get ANY BETTER???"

It is possible to say this even if you are having a low-down rotten, stinky kinda day.

Yesterday was like that for me. Up & down like a roller coaster I had been forced to ride. I'm not fond of roller coasters, so it didn't thrill me. I fought the downhill thrusts mightily, but without much success. I cannot even put my finger on my feelings of doom & gloom. It was Saturday...a church day, and I just kept going down...to the point of not wanting to go to church. Now, church is a priority for me...so, not going is not normal. I had to take control of my THIS day so that it would be a preparation for THAT day. Now, I would love to be able to say at this point that some miraculous event occurred & I ended the day on a peak, but that's not true. Instead, I trudged through the motions of getting ready for church, drug my stinkin' carcass to the church house & thought, "well, I'm here." God was faithful to help me out, though. The songs were very uplifting, I visited with friends, listened to some encouraging words. I felt in communion with my Lord. Ah! Then church was over & real-life resumed. Gah! Well, I am not perfect, Never said I was. :)

The point of my droning is to say that my priority was to THAT day, so I made the most of THIS day in preparation for THAT day. It wasn't huge leaps, but it was progress. I think that, with God, even baby steps count as progress. Don't you?

So, now, my responsibility is to go & make THIS day count for THAT day.

Object Lessons

"If you woke up tomorrow

with only the things that

you thanked God for yesterday,

what would you be left with?"

I know....WOW!

I wish I could say that this thought-provoking question was a Denise original, but...it's not. I read this as a post on Facebook this week, and it has stuck in my brain all week long.

In fact, I can say that I have been more prone to praying without ceasing this week!

Everytime something pops into my head that I am thankful for, I say a little grateful prayer.

Yes, I am mature enough in my walk with the Lord to know that He wouldn't take all the things away from me that I forgot to thank Him for....at least not overnight. However, yet again, I have to consider this question from the stand point of a parent & child.

Many years ago, I was shopping with one of my children & we happened upon some cute little skirts. We hadn't planned to shop for skirts, but she did need one & the price was right. So, we took several of them into the fitting rooms & tried them on. Well, she had her heart set on one in particular for no other reason than it came with a glittery belt. However, it did NOT look good on her, so I told her no. I did tell her we would get the one that looked adorable on her. She was less than thrilled. We went to the check out line & had to wait for a bit until our turn. During the wait, she was behaving a whole lot LESS than grateful for the purchase I was about to make for her. So much so, that I decided an object lesson was in order. As our turn came, I told the lady that we had decided not to get the skirt after all, and then had my daughter return it to the rack. She was devastated! While it wasn't the one she wanted, she DID want it. She cried & begged...totally changing her story when it was being taken away.

She did not get a skirt that day.

And she remembers that lesson in gratefulness to this day!

I must ask....does God use object lessons with His kids?

From experience, I can say He does.

What if I am pouting because things aren't going the way I felt they should?

What if I grumble & complain about living in a huge double-wide mobile home with a doable payment (which I do NOT...but, for the sake of making a point....) because I had drawn up the plans for the house I wanted & THAT is the ONLY thing I think I'll be happy with!!! What if He gave me everything I thought I needed?? Whew! The house payment, the cleaning, the maintenance...

What if I constantly complained (...I have been guilty of this one...but not 'constantly') about the number of children God chose to BLESS us with?

WHICH ONES WOULD I BE CONTENT TO LIVE WITHOUT????

No, I never dreamed of mothering 8 kids, but I can't imagine NOT mothering them, either! I am truly grateful for the object lessons I learn almost daily from this task God has given me.

What do I need to be grateful for?

Only EVERYTHING!

I can truly say that I am even grateful for the hard times He has brought us through. We are stronger for it.

Thank you, Lord...

for the sunshine

for birds

for color

for kids

for laughter

for tears

for food

for pain

for teenagers

for our land

for our home

for smells

for giving yourself for us

for....

Oh...sorry....

Your turn....... :)

My Favorite Cake

It has been a long time since I have written here. I have thought about it, but don't want to just write to read my own writing.

I want to SAY something.

Don't get me wrong, plenty has been going on in our lives. School, work, projects, church...just...everyday...stuff.

However, it's the "stuff" that life is made of, don't you think?

I mean, it is the mundane, every day things that compiles what our lives consist of. Yet, when it's all said & done, we won't remember that we had spaghetti on Monday, and one of the kids spilled the tea, and we had to stop everything & get the mop. That sounds very trivial, doesn't it? But, it's life. And, I don't know about you, but I don't really care if I remember an incident like that.

There are small things, though, that I stop & think, "I sure hope I remember this in years to come."

Most of the time, I don't.

For instance, I have the memory of "consciously" making a memory (LOL). It was during one of the countless middle-of-the-night feedings with one of my babies. I was just sitting in the quietness of the house, with the wonderful bundle that God blessed us with. I remember thinking, "I want to remember the smell of this baby (I can't even remember WHICH one!). I want to remember the sweet little coos, the breathing...everything." I do remember that I wanted to remember, but I don't.

In some ways, that makes me sad.

Wouldn't it be nice to have a "sensory rewind button"?

If I could, I would go back to my wedding day & re-experience the feeling of walking down the aisle on my Daddy's arm, feeling like a princess with eyes only for my prince charming. I would re-live the feeling I had when I saw my first "+" on a pregnancy test. Oh, to re-experience the wonderful feeling when the children who have given their hearts to the Lord did so. I really could go on & on.

It's all of these things, big & small, that make up our lives.

The moments.

Yes, most of them are dull, filled with laundry, grocery lists, drives to the dry cleaners or dentist appointments, but even those are good. I have to say, that, when I think over my life so far, I feel immensely blessed.

Forrest Gump said, "Life is like a box of chocolates...".

I say, "Life is like a layer cake."

There are all sorts of things you can put into a cake, many of which, if tasted alone, are quite awful!

Some of them are....OK.

Some...WOW!

There is the ingredient that makes the cake grow and not be flat.

There is an element of moisture, so as not to be too dry or boring.

Sometimes, there are even strange ingredients like: carrots or zucchini or even salt. Not your normal "cake" fare, maybe you wouldn't even eat the cake if you knew those things were in it. But, they add something extra to the cake that wouldn't have been there otherwise.

Then, of course, there are the tantalizing ingredients. The sweet, the savory.

A layer cake has a filling, something that holds it all together. What is filling you? What holds your cake (life) together?

I love cake, don't you? :D

Promises, Promises

This may be a figment of my imagination, but the other morning, I had to run up to the school to take one of my girls something they had forgotten. It was a beautiful morning & the sun was shining.

I was praying for our kids & asking God to give them a good day at school & to help them move past the hurts that have slammed them lately.

Then, as I was approaching the church/school, I noticed a rainbow right over them.

It was not raining, nor had it been.

I immediately thought of Noah's promise in the Bible & the rainbow that God set in the sky to signify that He was in control, and He was a loving God.

I had such a peace at that time.

I knew in my heart that God is indeed in control of our lives.

Was the timing coincidental?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

It really doesn't matter, the incident caused me to remember God's love & mercy.

"I love the life I'm living,
I love the peace You're giving,
and I love the truth that's hidden in my heart.
With gratitude I stand to praise You,
not just because I should,
but because You're good, my Lord, because You're good!"

"Where Are You, God?" "HERE AM I."

Amanda: Beautiful, fun & talented

The last few days have been positively surreal. A tragedy like this has never touched our protected little world. How do you cope with this?

My children are truly struggling. As a parent, there are difficulties on many levels. Your own grief. Your own struggles to understand. Your sympathies for the parents/grandparents. Your concerns about your older children's questions, their emotional well-being. Your conserns about your younger children & how much they know & how much to tell them.

I have never been a very emotional person, but right now, my head feels like it will explode from the pent-up emotion. The tears that I haven't shed because my kids need me to be strong. The questions I haven't asked because I'm answering theirs. The quiet time I can't have because the chores still need to be done...meals must be cooked.

The extent of my prayers for the last 2 days has been a single word, "Help!"

This hurts so much! Amanda wasn't part of my natural family, but she WAS a part of my church family whom I love dearly. I don't want to watch people I love suffer in this way. And yet, I know...with a sureness that is so deep within me that it's like the oxygen that I breathe...God knows. He sees. He comforts. He heals. He works. HE IS!

I have often read in articles about families who have suffered loss or tragedy, "they are holding to their faith." That has always seemed a little hokey to me. Such puny words for the magnitude of the peace & sureness that comes from KNOWING that the God of the universe KNOWS my name! He knows the pain His children suffer. I think that we tend to feel that, because we cannot see & touch God, then He cannot see or touch us. Yet, if my child is suffering (and they are), I KNOW it. They are my flesh & blood. I can see their pain. We are His children, and He loves us.

We can't make every hurt go away for our kids, but we can do everything in our power to help it ease. A hug. A shoulder. An ear. A prayer.

God does the same for me & you. He eases my pain. He comforts my soul. He clears my mind. He gives me a peace that passeth ALL understnding.

I serve a mighty God! And, yes, I am holding onto my faith for dear life! It is the only thing that makes the pain bearable. I cannot WAIT to get to church, to be with my spiritual family, to grieve, to comfort, to support & to cry out to my heavenly Father. Heather told me today that she could not imagine going through this pain without God.

She is so right.

Without Him, I would be nothing.

Peace in the Storm

We have been presented with a situation that we've never had to deal with before.
The death of one of our children's friends.

How in the world do you ease that pain? That confusion? What words will make it better? Is there a band-aid for this?

Well, yes and no.

I was talking to a cousin yesterday who is having a difficult time with the loss of her best friend to cancer after 8 years of fighting. She is still struggling with the why's, the emptiness, and the pain. I have no words for her. No "make it better" wisdom. I CAN pray, though.

Tonight, we've received word that a young lady in our church was tragically shot & killed. My kids are shocked, devistated.

This kind of stuff happens to other people on the news, not your friends!
Oh, the tears....torrents of them.

The questions haven't come....yet. But they will.

Why?

I don't know.

"Lord, I ask for the wisdom to help them to see You in this. To turn to You. To understand that, while they don't know why, You do. Please bring peace to our hearts. Please, be with the family, help us to be a support to our church family in any way we can."

Please, help us pray for this family, for the youth in our church, and for the church as a whole.

A song comes to my mind:

"There will be peace in the valley for me someday.

There will be peace in the valley for me, oh Lord, I pray.

There'll be no sadness, no sorrow, no trouble I see.

There will be peace in the valley for me."

Let it be so.

*We Are All God's Kids*

Things That Made Me Happy This Week:

Putting baby #7 in a "big girl" bed (only one baby bed, now!)

Making an AMAZING chicken alfredo

pizza for dinner!

Dinner with my honey & some wonderful new friends

My honey was able to go to Washington D.C. for a rally!

Noticing the leaves beginning to turn colors,

then seeing 2 fall very slowly to the ground.

Watching #1 do a "happy dance" when her

grades came back GREAT!!

Setting a goal to lose 2 pounds this week,

and losing 2.2!

Lunch with some great friends.

Finding some very inspirational blogs.

Completing these "ghastly"

pj pants for son #1 (yes, those are eyeballs!)

As you can tell, there are so many things I just feel like I am bubbling over! I truly could keep on going....


Well, life here is beginning to pick up some predictability. The kids are finally easing into the normal fall routine. They all do so much better with routine. Meanwhile, back at home...well, I have just the two youngest girls at home (ages 1 & 2) three days out of the week. Sometimes it is almost overwhelming, I must admit. I am not 21 anymore, and I am so used to other eyes, ears, and hands around all the time that I find that I am busier than I have been in a long time! I feel like a not-so-young mom again! This week, I was getting a bit stir-crazy, and I decided to plan an outing to Hobby Lobby. It went really well! I was so efficient...snacks, sippy cups, stroller...got it all! So, I pushed my luck and stopped by Wal-Mart as well for a few groceries. Again, it went well...until checkout time. By then, I had pushed us all too far. There was some screaming & crying (but I won't name names), but, in the end, I felt very proud of my adventure. I did learn not to overdo it...for anyone. We were able to go out one other day to Target...that was our only stop. It was perfect! heehee It's the little things that bring the most joy.

In the midst of my week, I posted a humorous bit of fact on my FaceBook page. It went something like this,

"I am glad that #8 is the only one who likes to munch on her siblings. However, I am determined that she will not become a cannibal!"

*chuckle*

Well, I received several posts from moms who have "been there, done that, got the bite marks to prove it", which was what I expected. Overwhelmingly, their advice was to bite her back...something that I knew, and would do, if I could ever catch her in the act!

However, one young lady (not a mom, yet) was astonished at this method! She questioned me about the rationale behind it. I told her that I didn't blame her...it DOESN'T make sense, but it does work. She was very polite & didn't want to offend those who had more experience, but she didn't agree.

And that's ok.

But, as I folded laundry & pondered over the discussion, my thoughts turned, as they often do when dissecting parenting issues, to our heavenly Father and His methods of training us. When the girl asked, "So you're trying to teach her NOT to do something by doing it to her?", I replied yes. I explained that it was a cause & effect situation. The baby doesn't know that what she is doing is painful, it is just an outlet for her frustration. Therefore, biting her back shows her that, "hey, this is painful!" The idea is that she will begin to associate the two. However, in order to get her to that stage, we have to (literally) stoop to her very basic level. "Talk" to her on her terms, in ways she will understand.

Isn't our God just like that?

Can you even imagine how He must look at us as babies who just don't understand what we are doing to ourselves & others? How He lovingly takes the time to discipline us, to train us, to teach us to grow in Him & His ways. How much more "beneath" Him could we possibly get?

And yet....He does it!

Just like we, as parents, will stoop to a child's level to get them to understand a concept, using language they will understand because they just aren't mature enough to grasp the idea on an adult level. I began to feel such a humility before God.

So small.

That the same God that created the stars and the moon, and such amazing animal life, such intricate plant life...and an unduplicatable human body...would stoop to MY level & "talk" to me. That He cares enough about me to make sure I "get it". Thank you, God...I can never tell You enough!

*sigh*

I probably should end there. I have tons more that I want to tell you, but it's just about me...nothing much. Just ponder the idea that God loves you THAT much...and go enjoy your day!

Love to you all!!

Can I Trust You, God?

You know, sometimes I just can't wait to sit down & write this silly blog! Years ago, when I was in high school (MANY years ago...), I rather excelled at writing. I took advanced English courses, was the editor of my school newspaper, won a letter jacket in writing for the newspaper....etc. Anyway, I really enjoyed it. I haven't really had much of an outlet or need for writing in a very long time til I started this blog. Maybe that is one reason I really put off starting a blog for so long, I knew I'd get hooked! :)

I have been pondering the meaning of life this week. LOL! I know, that sounds rather...shall I say...obnoxious, doesn't it? Seriously, though, God has really been working in my heart on the issue of faith & trust.

This is an area where I feel that I have truly grown in the last 18 years. Fear has always been a biggie for me. I have heard so many wise & pithy sayings regarding fear and the life of the Christian, and, try as I might, I just couldn't get past it. I feared all sorts of things: financial ruin, death- of my hubby and each of my children, not pleasing God, being wrong, not being accepted...oh, the list goes on & on.

I remember one time in particular when I woke in the middle of the night paralyzed with fear. I couldn't even reach over to wake my hubby. I had to talk because I was too afraid to move. I asked him to turn every light in the house on...no help. I asked him to pray...no peace. I could literally FEEL the fear trying to take hold of me as I lay perfectly still in my bed. Finally, he called our pastor & he prayed with us both & helped us to rebuke that spirit of fear that was trying to suppress me! Finally, I received relief & fell asleep.

The Bible says that fear is NOT of the Lord.

Makes perfect sense, and yet....HOW, with our feeble minds do we learn to have blind trust?

The only way I know of is: experience.

And yet, that doesn't seem right.

A baby is born & has blind trust that it's parents will take care of it, and, if all goes well, they do. However, if the parents are neglectful or abusive, then the child slowly learns to mistrust them.

Is our God like that?

NO!

Maybe it is this human nature. Maybe by the time we are old enough to know better, we have been let down enough times for us too be wary of an unseen God. How can you trust that which you cannot, at the very least, SEE?! So, we make Him "prove" Himself to us.

"Well, if God helps in THIS way in this situation...THEN I'll trust Him".

What if He doesn't?

What if "THIS" way isn't HIS way?

So often, I find that I have wrapped God up in a nice little box with a tidy little bow (red, of course) on it & said, "Here's how You need to handle this...now, I'm 'trusting' You!"

How He must laugh!

Through the years, He has been oh so good to me. He has gently turned my fears in to falsehoods, time and time again. And, when my fears have been realized as truths, He's held me & helped me through them with such grace & mercy.

Not so long ago, I truly struggled with a situation that I felt God had "done" to me. I flat-out told Him, "I am too mad at You to talk to You right now!" I went for quite awhile giving God the "cold shoulder", and, as I think back, that was such a lonely time for me. I knew my anger was misplaced, but I really didn't know where else to place it. I didn't feel that I could trust Him to take care of me through what was about to be required of me. Because I didn't feel adequate for the job He had given me, I didn't trust Him.

Let me say that again: Because I didn't feel adequate.....I didn't trust Him!

Imagine that! I was mad at God because He hadn't asked me if I could handle it first! I wasn't in control, therefore, I didn't trust God. Sounds rather warped, doesn't it?

"I will trust You as long as You do it my way." hmmm....

When I look back at all the times I've cried. All the times I've fretted & obsessed. All the times I've ranted & panicked. And then how, with the greatest of ease, God has "handled" it, I am ashamed of myself. Embarrassed, even.

Fear is NOT of the Lord! It isn't. It is a product of our own mind. I put God on the same level as a fallable human because, well, I really can't fathom anything else. Does that make me right?

Nope.

I have been trying something different for the last few "trials" *chuckle*. I think about the situation, then consider the worst outcome. Next, I think of what would happen if God didn't take care of it the way I think it should be handled. Then, I just consciously....let it go. I remember all the times He's brought us through a seemingly impossible time. I remember how He's held us. Then, I swallow my fear, and, everytime it rises up, I just remember. Sometimes, I sing a faith-building song or recall my life's scripture (which God was so wonderful to give me during the time I was 'mad' at Him), "I can do ALL things throught Christ which strengtheneth me." Phillippians 4:13.

One more story, again, from the amazing Haitian people (this is true, AND recent!)

A man had died and his family was preparing to have his funeral & burial. However, Bro. Josef (sp?) told them to wait. He said, "We have not excerised faith!"

He told them to wait for 3 days & pray & fast (I think) for this man. Would you believe that man is ALIVE today??? Our brothers met him!! No kidding. A modern-day Lazarus! Oh...I serve an awesome God!

Lord, I believe, help thou my unbelief!