A Leap of Faith....

 

Have you ever wanted to reach a goal, a very HIGH goal, and you KNEW you could do it with diligence on your part, but you were too afraid of the results IF you achieved the goal?

 

Sounds rather convoluted, I know, but that sentence pretty much describes what I've been going through for the past 6 months, and much more intensely for the last week.

 

 

I normally keep this blog pretty light & even humorous, but today, I have a lot of rather deep things on my mind. 

 

Goals, dreams, destinations...they are exciting & new.  Some of them, we know exactly what to expect when we arrive.  Some have promise, but no definite outline.

 

For instance, at the end of 4 years of high school, you graduate.  A wonderful, exciting goal.  Also, a scary, confusing time. 

 

What comes next? 

 

What do you want to be when you "grow up"?

 

A wonderful time of accomplishment can also be rife with fear & uncertainty.

 

 

On the other hand, planning a trip to Disney World, is a pretty sure bet of good things to come!  No fears, no worries (except how to pay for it). 

 

These are both lofty goals & great achievements, if reached, but the emotions involved can be very different.

 

I guess, I should stop beating around the bush & just come out & say what's on my heart....

 

 

God, Jesus, the Church....have all been in my heart & a huge part of my life for as long as I can remember.  I have loved the Lord for as long as I can remember.  I don't ever remember a time where I didn't WANT to have Him in my life. 

 

However, a walk with God requires taking steps.

 

So, I've done the baby steps....I gave up the biggies that displeased Him.  I quit murdering, drinking, carousing, smoking dope....hey, those were no problem. :)

 

I have reached a place where things that bothered me as a younger person, no longer even phase me.  That's growth, too.

 

I feel that God has been asking more of me.  He wants MORE of my heart, MORE of me.  I have known this for a while now.

 

 

But, I'm scared.

 

Yeah, probably sounds crazy, but I'm being honest here.

 

Will He take care of me?

 

Will He catch me?

 

Will He make serving Him comfortable? (prolly not!)

 

Yesterday, we said goodbye to a wonderful friend.  I don't believe in making saints out of people after they pass, but this man was truly good.  He had many qualities in his life that I envy (whoops, one of the big 10....).

 

He never complained-even when in extreme pain.

He always made God his first choice, even when it would have been easier to stay home in bed.

He gave his all. Always.

He was selfless.

 

Um....I miiiiiigggght pull one or two of those out of the hat a couple of times a year, but not consistently by any means.

 

Sigh.  And therein lies my problem.

 

 

See...I don't like to suffer.  True story.  I like ease.  I like things my way.

 

Then I read about Job.  Sigh again.  I really don't think sackcloth and ashes are for me.  Boils???  Noooope.  Losing my stuff....well, I could deal with that.  Losing my kids?  There's the kicker.  THAT'S what I'm afraid of (I may be just a teensie bit MORE afraid of getting them back doubly!!).

 

Seriously, I know that serving God is a very rewarding life.  I also know that I cannot live in such a way that I benefit from the blessings, but never share in the burdens.  I hate to cry.  I have cried more in the last few years than in all the rest combined.  God created us to be emotional beings, but I just don't enjoy hurt.

 

 

Here's the bare bones of my dilemma:

 

Go on farther with a mighty God, knowing that trials, sufferings & heartaches may (most likely will) be interspersed (liberally) throughout my blessings, but that

the quality of the blessings will outweigh the trials.

 

 

OR

 

 

Sit right here on my white picket fence with one leg on each side leaning more to the side that feels most comfy for the moment. 

 

I have never thought of myself as a "fence-sitter" Christian.  And maybe I haven't always been.  There have been moments of total devotion. 

 

But somewhere along the road, as it has become more bumpy, the storms more fierce, the sorrows more painful, I found me a nice smooth section of fence & climbed right up there & made myself at home.

 

Deep in my soul, I know which side I will climb down on, but the jump from where I'm sitting to where I need to be is pretty steep & I'm afraid.  Fear is NOT of the Lord. 

 

This, I know. 

 

However, from where I sit....it's pretty scary.

 

 

Will You catch me???

 

I hear a whisper in my soul......

 

 

 

 

 

 

"YES!"

WWK (Walmart With Kids)

Worst.  Decision.  Ever.


My question to my older daughter & her resulting answer was the beginning of the ruin of my day.

"I must go grocery shopping today,

do you want to go or stay home?"

 

 

Her answer:

 

 

"Go."

 

 

"No problem, we'll all go", I said.

 

"It will be great", I said.

 

"I got this", I said.

 

 

Oh, and I have to get this done in one hour because I have to meet someone at 11:15 (I got this, remember?).  I have my handy-dandy list which I made according to the pre-created menu for all meals in June .  Very tidy.  In & out.

 

Problemo numero uno:

 

The grocery list which I have created based on the WalMart closest to my house & the route I ALWAYS take while in the store (OCD much?), is completely null and void at a different WalMart.

I chose to go to a different location because of the meeting that was taking place at 11:15....

 

Problemo numero dos:

 

I took kids.

 

 

 

So, in order to make you feel better about your life, here's how my trip went:

 

 

Unload kids.  Assign a portion to the elder sister (the easier ones, I kept the problematic ones).

 

Enter store.  Tell elder sister to take a portion of the list & meet me by the milk when she's done.

 

I rush through my area before heading to the meeting place.  Leaving kids standing where they were (touching merchandise I SPECIFICALLY told them NOT to touch), because I will ONLY say, "Come on" once, then they have to hunt for me.

 

Then, my phone rings (I don't like to take calls while shopping, I don't shop & solve world problems at the same time very efficiently, so I have to stop what I'm doing & listen....), it's eldest daughter.  The cat is shooting diarrhea all over her room like a water sprinkler, and she is beyond frustrated.  So, I navigate clothing racks, help elder son choose new swim trunks & swim shirt from the "Cheap" rack, give him dirty looks as he looks at the "privileged folks" racks, point vehemently at the cheap rack & motion decapitation if he doesn't comply, while talking calmly to the particularly emotional person on the phone & trying to figure out the digestive tract issues of a kitten.

 

Problem solved, cheap swim clothes chosen....on to the dairy dept.

 

Tell elder son to get 2 gallons of 2% milk.  He gets one.  Really????

 

Tell lil guy I can make 15 gallons of Jell-O for the price of the pre-packaged ones, and NO I do not care that those are more fun.

 

When did cheese go up??  $3 for Parmesan.  Guess I don't need it.

 

No, we are not close to the bakery.  No, we cannot buy a free cookie.

 

Yes, honey, I would be very embarrassed if my kid screamed like that in the store.

 

PLEASE, stop practicing to scream....I WILL spank you...even though that kid got away with it.

 

You stay here with the basket, I'll walk over here & get what I need.  HEY!  WHERE ARE YOU GOING????

 

Hey you, Run back 2 aisles & get a container of salt.  Not gourmet.  Just plain ole salt. 

 

Where will I be? I'm turning left from this aisle.  ( I turn right.  Hee hee hee.  Took him 5 minutes to find me.)

 

What time is it?  OH!  We have 20 min to finish up & load up & I'm nearly done!  Yay!

 

No, I don't know what that mystery package of stuff is on the ethnic food aisle.

 

Oops, forgot the pancake mix....run back please...I'll be in produce.  For reals.

 

No, they don't have cuties.  Yes, we can get belly button oranges instead. 

 

Stop smelling every single package of strawberries.  They ALL smell good. 

 

Am I worth a $3 carton of blueberries?  Ewww...they have mold on them.

 

I need 8 ripe avocados....is that too much to ask???  These could be stones!!

 

Ok....we are done....to the registers.

 

I am very picky with the bagging process.  She does it wrong.  She is slow.

 

No, you can't have any gum.

 

No, you cant have the cute package of Kleenex.

 

No, you can't have beef jerky.

 

Yes, please get the van pulled up, that would be great.

 

OOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!! I ram my arm on the empty DVD display by the register.  My arm goes numb.  My fingers begin to tingle.

 

I am NOW officially in a bad mood. 

 

It took me longer this time.  Is that progress?

 

Now my neck hurts from my arm injury.

 

I yell at kids in WalMart.  I feel like I fit in.

 

We load up the groceries in the recesses of the van, because I need the back for the 11:15 meeting.

 

All in!  Let's go! 

 

Why are the interior lights on? 

 

Son, close the back hatch.  Hellllloooo....open it, & reclose.  STOP BANGING ON THE DOOR!!!

 

Fine, I'll do it.  Done.

 

I am now soaked with sweat, mad, hurting, $200 poorer, hungry & just plain exhausted.

 

But, we make the meeting.  I am now the proud owner of 2 old, wood-framed windows ripe for some adorable craft/decorating project & I scored them for a mere $6 each!  Boo-ya.

 

Now, I am home, the cat is loudly protesting his confinement to the carpet-less room, the groceries are put away, the boys are gagging me with the smell of the sardines I let them talk me in to buying.  DISGUSTING.

 

I have cooled off...some.  My arm hurts.  I'm still hungry.

 

Thanks for reading, I feel a bit better for having written it down.

 

 

 

 

 



What Did You Expect?

THE FOLLOWING IS A SAD, BUT TRUE STORY.  NAMES HAVE BEEN WITHELD TO PROTECT THE GUILTY:

This morning, I took my kiddos to school per usual.  I was planning to make a stop in the classrooms to see if I might be of some assistance, but made a pit*stop at the restroom first.  I wasn't in there 30 seconds before I heard one of MY kids outside the door...

"Mooooom...Mom....MOMMY!!"

"Get away from the door!", I snarled.

REALLY????  I can't even get a minute's privacy in a public restroom either????  Geeeezzz Louise!!!!


Expectations.

We all have them.  Some are realistic, and some are off*the*charts*ridiculous. 

Seriously. 

Think: someday I'll be Mrs. Justin Bieber Michael Buble & he'll sing softly in my ear every night as I drift off to sleep. 

Yeah.  No.  Not realistic.  At. All.

Having a neat, orderly home at all times in the midst of raising teens toddlers.  Not realistic.

Never being late for church & yet still having well-dressed & perfectly behaved children.  Not totally realistic, either...but I'm working on it.

Having a well-balanced meal on the table each day...now, that's more like it.

Sometimes, we set our goals for ourselves pretty high....and, sometimes, that's a good thing.  I think that having something to work for & look forward to is healthy & gives life purpose.  However, I also believe that the goals we set for ourselves should be set through prayer & even consulting with our spouse. 

I know I have been guilty of consulting with my latest issue of Homeschooling Family or Better Homes & Gardens, and setting my expectations based on the fabulous things that I see there.  Then, when I fail to live up to my goals, I feel like a failure. 

Whaaaat??  I can't get my 8 kids to behave perfectly in public, while all lined up in age/height order according to eye color & shoe size????  If Michelle Duggar can do it with 32 kids, I can do it with 8!!!!  I'm such a loser!

I am overweight, my hair is dull, & don't look just like Julia Roberts???  She is older than me!  I am such a slob!

Ugh....I can't make my dinner, curtains & tablescapes all coordinate with my blouse like Sandra Lee????  I can never have company again!

These are all silly examples, but I'm guessing you're a smart enough person to understand my point.

First of all, I would like to point out that real life is messy.  Kids play.  Food gets dropped.  Puke gets spewed. Dishes get stacked.  Laundry overflows.  Schedules get altered (or forgotten).  Weight gets gained.  Life happens.

What we should expect is the grace to be able to take each percieved setback & see it for what it is.  Ask yourself this question: If I am upset about this situation, what should I be doing differently?  In other words, analyze WHY you feel frustrated/angry when things don't go your way go as expected. 

Are you throwing a fit?
Are you being realistic in your expectations for yourself, your kids, your spouse, your friends/family?
Will life suddenly end if you have to change your thinking?
Are you being selfish?

Yes, this is a pop quiz.

Yes, these are trick questions. 

God is good about throwing curves in our way when we have mapped out a perfectly straight path for ourselves.  That is a necessary ingredient in making life more interesting.  More importantly, how we handle these curves determines whether or not we are growing up & maturing or if we are still spoiled little kids throwing a tantrum because we didn't get our way.


Say, you have all of your self expectations within normal range, you handle life's curves with suave & finesse.  In other words: you got it goin' on.

Let me ask you this:  What are your expectations of others?

Hmmmm.....?

WHY?

Do you ever have a question that rolls around in your head, plaguing you like a pesky fly?

Ya know...one of those questions who's answer is something you really don't want to deal with...supposing you were to answer it honestly.

Ok...well, at this point, you're either with me.....or you're not, but this thought has been bugging me for days, so here goes:

"WHY do I do what I do?"

We have all heard the phrase, "keeping up with the Joneses", but I'm not even sure that's what I'm talking about.

I believe what has been nagging me has to do more with MY motives. The REASON behind the things that I do.

When I shop, do I buy clothing to impress my friends, the world, myself or my husband? How about God? (Basically, I buy what fits & what I don't think will cause myself public humiliation, but you get the point, I'll bet.)

When that AMAZING pair of turquoise heels SCREAMS, "Buy ME!!!" Why would I buy them? Because I NEED turquoise shoes (actually.....)? Because I can't wait for my teenagers to steal them from me, therefore I'm really buying them a gift? Because I want to be flashy? Because they are "hot" (BAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA)?

While this may be a pretty good example of what I'm talking about, my thoughts are running a bit deeper.

Inner motivation. My secret thoughts. The ones I may not even realize I'm having until it's too late, then I have to unravel a whole nest of icky stuff.

I knew a lady once that had a bunch of kids (more than me, but not as many as the Duggars). When I first met her, I think I had 3 children, so I was VERY impressed by the number she rattled off to me. When I asked their ages, she spat them out with complete accuracy & not a little bit of pride. I was impressed (still am...I have to think about it everytime). We quickly discovered that she lived very close to me & we made plans to do things together as we had several common interests. As I began going to her home, I began to see that her whole identity was wrapped up in the number of children she had (she added 2 more during the course of our acquaintance). That number brought shock, amazement & even awe when she spoke it. Unfortunately, having babies doesn't actually make you a good parent. While she wasn't horrible, there was discord in the home, the children were unhappy & unruly. She was totally wrapped up in her newest baby, & the older ones were kind of pushed aside. Sad, really. What was even worse is that I heard later that she & her husband divorced.

I know I probably just painted the exact picture that people who look down their noses at large families expect to see, but I can assure you that we are not ALL like that. In fact, I know quite a few larger families, and she is very much in the minority where that type of behavior is concerned.

The point I am making is that the WHY behind having so many children for her was not necessarily because she felt a need to have them as much as it was her identity...she impressed people when she told them how large her family was. She received her self-worth through the appearance of her family.

Now, I can honestly say that I have not had this particular issue, but I cannot say that I have not chosen to do things because I knew it would impress others.

C'mon...who can say that?

We all have pride. (nasty stuff!)

We all like to appear wonderful to others.

I sew. I sew pretty good. I like compliments. I sew cute stuff & put it on my cute kids & like the compliments it brings. Hmmmm....is that wrong?

Yes & no.

If I dressed them like fashion plates everyday...it might be a problem (if you were here today, you would know THAT isn't the case! lol). Buuuuutttttttt, there might be an issue if there is some competition going on to have the cutest, best dressed kiddo around. I'll think on that.

This thought can go into every single area of our lives, and it is natural to want to please self & others. However, our main concern should be pleasing our Lord. I don't think He has a problem with me making cute clothes for my kids, or having a well-organized home (HA), or driving a nice car, or being a pretty good cook, or even having a rockin' house full of kids. As long as my focus still remains on Him & His will for me, and I am able to keep all of the little extras in perspective...then I'm ok....I think.

I once knew a lady that felt that she had to run EVERY. LITTLE. DETAIL. of her life by God first.

McDonald's or Arby's?

Peanut Butter or Cheese?

Blue or Black?

You think I'm kidding. I'm so not kidding.

Maybe she was closer to Him than I am...maybe He told her that Macky D's fries were da bomb & she should never stray from them...I don't know. But, my inclination is that He gave us a pretty good mind & instructions to pray without ceasing & to be near to Him morning, noon & night. In other words, LIVE IN HIM. If we do that, then there will be no room for prideful motives. The WHY behind our actions will only be:

>>>>Because it will please my Lord.<<<<

I have so much work to do.

What to do....

I confess, I needed some quiet time tonight, so I sent the fam to church minus mom...I hope God understands. <Sorry, Sir>

As I sit here in my totally quiet house (with no worries about WHY it is quiet or guilt because it is 1 a.m. & I am STILL up), I hear...the refrigerator humming....the clock ticking....a dog's bark. Some people need alcohol or a massage to relax. Not me. I need good ol' peace & quiet.

When the peeps headed out the door, I immediately began pondering what to do with my QT *quiet time*. Of course, my first thought was to clean up this house!!! Then, I thought,

"Why? I can do THAT when it's noisy!"

.....although, it has absolutely NO staying power whatsoever, so why bother?

Then, I thought of that new school year chore/responsibility list I need to work on. *YAWN* BOOOOOOORINNNNGGGGG!

How about some sewing?
hmmmmm....interesting...maybe so.

First things first....food. I sent my family out the door without dinner.

///GASP\\\

Well, they did eat a late lunch....

Any-who...I was hungry so I went to the fridge.

Hmmm....what's in the takeout container? Ewwww...soggy nachos from 2 days ago (WHY did we even bother???). Better chunk that.

Well, look at those moldy green beans....to the chickens.

Those leftovers have been in here more than a week....to the chickens.

Now....look at all these dishes on the counter that I've just emptied out....better put them into the dishwasher.

Oh! These dishes are clean.

Better empty the dishwasher.

Now, re-load.

Messy counters....wipey, wipey, wipey.

Now, what did I come in here for?

Oh, yes, food.

Uh....not much in here. Guess I'll have a Lean Pocket. That sounds good...really, it does!

So, two & a half minutes later, my gourmet-pamper-myself-silly-meal was scorching hot; the tab on my Diet DP was popped, the laptop was warmed up & I was ready to go!!

For the last hour & fifteen minutes, I have....totally wasted time. Oh! Don't get me wrong...I've enjoyed EVERY single, cotton-pickin' minute of it.

But, every now and then....when I'm waiting for the newest page to load up...I look around.

Why are there little men on the floor in the kitchen?

A Lego by the fridge? Really?

A quilt in the hallway (I vaguely remember a fabric fort in the recent past).

The lid to a plastic tote by the front door (ummmm....couldn't even venture a guess).

A Hot Wheel car just pierced the bottom of my foot as I adjusted in my chair.

Ya know, it is becoming more & more difficult to keep my fannie in this chair!

Should I be aggrivated because I cannot allow myself to chillax guilt-free & not worry about the things that drive me nutso?

Or

Should I be proud of myself for being aggrivated about the things that need to be done & I am just sitting here typing away in cyber la-la land?

No worries...I won't toss & turn all night weighing the pros & cons of these two points.

It is what it is.

Maybe that is something I have learned so far in life:

"Relax...the clutter will still be there when you finally get around to it. Have no worries....no one will beat you to it!!!"

It's the best of both worlds!!!

I can relax AND still have all the work I could ever dream of!!!!!

Yay me!

Shallow Thoughts/Deep Thoughts

Hello! I may need to reintroduce myself as it has been *like* forever since I've posted anything. LOL
I would like to say that life has been just >TOO< boring to write about, but it's actually totally the opposite. Have you ever disillusioned yourself into thinking that *SUMMERTIME* is a wonderful 12 week span of time where you stay up late, sleep late, & do very little except what you REALLY want to do in between?
Yeah, me too.

Um.

NOT!

Well, maybe. When you're a kid...a very little kid.

Reality is this: Summer is the time when you sweat profusely every time you move...and you simply MUST move...A LOT!!! Since school has let out, we have done the following (this is by no means a comprehensive list):
*had 2 birthdays

*planned, sewed & packed for 3 trips for various members of the family

*taken an impromptu trip to Houston (3.5 hours each way) all in one day with everyone including the Grands in tow for a funeral.

*planned (still planning) for 2 weddings which has included: making the maid-of-honor's dress, making flower arrangements, decorating, sewing a vest & tie for a handsome fellow to be the ring bearer.

*5,425 trips to the library, McDonald's, Hobby Lobby & various other "Must Go's"

*swim lessons

*last-minute-let's-invite-everyone pizza parties

I really could go on, but let's face it...you don't really care.

Our lives are busy. Very. Busy.

Sometimes, I love it. Sometimes not so much.

Would you believe that noise drives me insane. I know. God has a vicious sense of humor. :)

Seriously, though, while I do periodically long for peace..and quiet...lots of quiet, I truly love my life. Each day is the same, and completely different all at the same time. My kiddos make me laugh, drive me crazy, make me angry & make me want to cry. All within a 10 minute span of time! LOL

No.

Really.

Yes.

They do.

NEW TOPIC:
*Hee hee...my blog, I can just be random if I wanna... *

Yesterday, we made a whirlwind trip of 7 hours (total) drive time to Houston for the funeral of a wonderfully godly man. I have known him & his family for my entire life, and have been saddened by his passing. Not so much for the loss of life as the passing of an era. I know he has moved on to his reward, so, while he will be missed, there is also joy in knowing his race is complete.

In the past 20 years or so (not that I'm that old), I have noticed (since I was, like 2) that our funeral services have changed. They aren't always about grieving. More often, they are a celebration...of a life lived, and a new life that is waiting. Yes, I cried yesterday. I cried for his children as they wept. I cried for his friends as they expressed how they would miss him. But, mostly, I cried as I felt the spirit of the Lord give witness to the testimonies of how this man's life had positively affected others for good. I cried as I watched a video of him preaching his "farewell" message a few weeks ago as if he knew his race was completed. I guess, I can say that I cried for joy. Weird to many, I know, but true, nonetheless. When we sang, "It Is Well With My Soul", I knew it was. As his whole family, from his wife down to his 4 year old greats joined together to sing his favorite song, "The Reason I'm In This Church (I Don't Wanna Be Lost)", I knew he wasn't. He loved the moving of the Spirit of God, and, when it moved in his funeral, it only seemed natural to clap, to sing, to cry, & yes, to dance in celebration of a life lived wholly for God.
In the hours of quiet (BAHAHAHAHA) on the drive home, I pondered...
....there were 1,000+ people at that funeral! Wow! What a witness to a life lived right!

...there was rejoicing! What?!? Yes!

....there was peace! That passes ALL understanding.

I told my 11 year old son that he should aspire to have a funeral like the one we were in. In fact, I should aspire to have that kind of funeral! One that is a testament to a life lived rightly...for Jesus. One that brings joy to God. One that feels like a promotion rather than a demotion!

Such deep thoughts for 100+ degree weather! I just might need some cold sweet tea, & a ceiling fan to help me ponder farther. However, if you give a southern girl a glass of sweet tea & a fan, you may just find her resting her eyes while thinking on the meaning of life.....